HEBE KEARNEY
fly agaric
red like dorothy’s slippers they glimmer in the rusty needles.
the pines drunkenly
lean,
laughing
as we dismount our bikes & pluck
from between their toes
such red, such white-spotted treasures.
u p
your blue daypack b m s as we ride
it begins bulGING half-way you grin &
i can see you!
i am a practiced forager. i know to look
for the pine needle humps where they might be ((((( hiding ))))).
i feel like a Good Child when we eat the ham sandwiches you made,
sitting in a world the pines have digested
all sound muffled, all light dappled.
later,
you will take our harvest & leave them on paper towels
on the speckled porch, i will t p-t e around them
i o
as they eat sun & slowly shrivel
until the ruby becomes
the colour of dried blood on sheets.
then,
i won’t see them for a while.
until one day i will find them
in your eyes;
less blue,
more black.
the pupil having c o n s u m e d
the parts of you
i always thought i knew.
heavens!
i.
the azure spring sky, tight like a drum
stretches over my tiny world
& the sun-dappled shadows on the fresh-cut lawn
& the still-too-cold sea
& hope.
ii.
i keep this bright blue sky;
i lay it on my duvet, smoothing each crease,
i hang it in my closet beside drying flowers
& save it for later.
it promises rolling summer,
where we will be creatures again,
after a hibernation of several years,
& the sun will scorch us for the hubris
of being bodies underneath it.
it didn’t used to be this way—
either it’s grown angry
or our skin has thinned
& what else?
iii.
the other stars up there aren’t lonely,
they hunt in packs,
herd animals chasing ghosts across space
they let us watch—watch back.
indifference gleams
in their violent retinas,
exploding beautifully & for fun—
how they laugh & laugh.
iv.
our star is a giant eye
which is why
we can’t hold its gaze without being scorched
which is why
we are so dependent on it
as if behind the corona cornea
is a huge, hot brain—thinking—
as if.
v.
our moon is no eye & is so confused
about what she’s doing tonight—
too many rituals clamour for her attention,
& centuries of lovers mope in her direction
& she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to mean, right now,
or any other night.
vi.
the sky shows nothing without interrogation,
but reveals so much, looking to it, about us;
what we see up there
& want
& Want.
FIGHT/FLIGHT/FREEZE/FAWN
FIGHT!
boiling like a volcano
FUCK you & you in particular
i can hear you all chew
& your HORRIBLE digestive tracts
we are meat sacks
stinking through, hot bodies
NO ONE understands
how close i am to bursting
like BIG fucking lahar
i’ll bury the village
full of everyone who’s fucked me over—
it’s a big village.
mud, hot gas, LAVA
i’m the motherfucking eruption
don’t look for me
i’ll always find you.
thick choking ash i can’t handle
another. FUCKING. second. of. this.
i’ll E X P L O D E
~FLIGHT~
ican’tstopnow
ican’tstop
if i stop i’ll
oh god if i stop!!
i keep moving & it keeps me well!
i am well if i keep moving!
pleasegivemeanothertask
i have cleaned/folded/washed/vacuumed/shopped/exercised/cooked/socialised/commuted/worked/been Good
but it’s following me now, its
hot metal breath on my neck –
i’vegottokeepmoving
runningrunningrunning
if i just move fast enough
everything will be perfect
& nothing will ever hurt again.
FREEZE.
i’ll be here
you can
find me
easily.
i haven’t considered
it much
honestly.
when i saw you again
i thought
‘oh’.
numbness consumes
my face & limbs
are all out of order
it seems.
i’ll just
wait right here.
FAWN?
did i tell you i’m sorry?
… i did?
i’m sorry! oh—
sorry for apologizing!
i know exactly what you need
before you know you need it.
call it a superpower
or call it nosy.
i just have to say:
no worries!
sorry, i know you don’t like me
like this.
sorry, i know i can please you
better.
promise me you’ll love me forever?
sorry, forever is soooo long,
how about you promise you love me, like, right now?
& now?
& now?
& …
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hebe Kearney is a poet and librarian who lives in Tāmaki Makaurau | Auckland. Their work has appeared in publications including: Mantissa Poetry Review, Mayhem, Overcom, Rat World, samfiftyfour, Starling, Symposia, takahē, Tarot, and Poetry Aotearoa Yearbooks. You can find them at @he__be on Instagram.