Checklist for school
- Ignore the bell.
- Make sure it’s the correct long corridor
with blue carpet and dull red doors. Three years ago there was another long corridor with blue carpet and dull red doors. You’ve gotten it wrong before.
It was embarrassing, wasn’t it?
- Make sure to brush your teeth.
If there’s anything but air between them, you will find it hard to breathe with
your mouth closed. It’s important to breathe with your mouth closed.
- Eat your homework.
Humans cannot digest paper, but we can try. It is admirable that you try and
progress evolution this way.
- Notice the paradise ducks as you walk by the park.
Mum will want to hear about them.
- Buy a baguette from the dairy and eat it backwards.
Oh, you didn’t know there was a right way to eat a baguette in the first place?
Maybe you didn’t perform the last steps correctly. Maybe you should find a format of this exercise better suited for your learning style. Maybe our system is not for you.
- Feel lucky that it didn’t rain last night
and you’re not struggling not to step on the 30 centimetre pink worms, failing, flailing, feeling their skin burst beneath your feet, seeing red blurring into the salmon mush.
Oh, it did rain last night?
4.There are less ducklings than there were yesterday.
- Forget that you have a nose.
- Where are the ducklings?
- Fill the air with ineffective body spray, hide your gagging with laughter. Ask what everyone else’s eyes are watering about.
- Choke on the bread.
Near death experiences help us appreciate life!
Plus, the soggy wad is easier to swallow and your saliva will release interesting flavours in the bland morsel.
- The ducklings are dead.
- Wonder why everyone is bleeding –
- Hang yourself on your coat hook.
You could hang someone else, but most people hang themselves.
- Watch your back.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Amy Noble is a former Physics undergraduate, current English and Creative Writing undergraduate and general nerd studying at Te Herenga Waka, Victoria University of Wellington. In her teens, she attempted to be a Para athlete. She’s had work published by the National Library of New Zealand.