Under New Management—Opening Soon!


I heard they might develop a new engineering block on campus and relocate the car park.

Apparently, enrolment numbers are up and the market is indicating a profitable change.

Sounds like they’ll move the car park, build next to the university pub, and relocate the
nursing students online.

The transition sounds seamless and all the technological issues have been ironed out.

Tutorials will be compatible with Android and iPhone, and required readings will have an
audio book option.

Various accents will be available for the instructional component of the course and
equipment such as needles will be subsidised.

Air New Zealand has agreed to feature as a guest lecturer in week 10, providing students
with a quirky instructional video for catheters

                    and Peter Jackson has been approached to direct open-heart surgery.

Students are encouraged to practice drawing blood on their flatmates for a chance to win
‘a trip away for you and three friends to Queenstown’.

One vial gets you one entry

                    and three-hours’ parking will be free for any flatmate injured in the process.

Nurses will be guaranteed entrance to any engineering course of their choosing and industry
incomes will be advertised next to clocks and above all urinals on campus.

On the recommendation of a recent campus-working group, it was suggested that service
work has become inefficient and too rigid to fit within a modern economic model—

we should therefore move towards a focus on automation and product innovation.

Making organs as opposed to just maintaining them will become a more striking point of

All you have to do is advertise for nurses, flip them into engineers, and turn the engineers

into profits, like pine trees into carbon credits

to float on the open exchange.


Josiah Laracy is from Wellington. He has not been published in The Spinoff, Landfall, or any other major publication. He hopes in time that this may change.