TURBINE | KAPOHAU

ZARAH BUTCHER-McGUNNIGLE

 

Set store by

 

When I am 23 years old I work at a charity store. I do not really work there because I do not get money for being there. I am a volunteer. From my apartment I walk to the store, or to the park, or to the supermarket. I don’t go anywhere else. Today somebody stole something from the store. Did you say anything? I didn’t say anything. I have trouble speaking up sometimes. I think my throat chakra is weak.

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A customer buys woollen boots and woollen pants for her baby. They are a set. That will be six “I am expecting a baby as well” dollars please. How far are you along? Only a few months. She leaves the store but I am still here. I am a long way into here. I can’t see out. I haven’t had sex for a year. My husband pees in the bathroom and I sit on the balcony. On our wedding night he took off my dress and I was wearing another dress underneath. He took off my shoes and I was wearing another pair of shoes underneath.

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I live alone, or I live with my husband. I am eating blueberries right now, for my throat chakra. My husband is somewhere in the apartment. He fleshes out when I look at him. My husband pees with the bathroom door open. My hearts are beating fast when I hear him peeing. I have not been able to find paid work for a year. I thought you were going to make muffins with those blueberries, he says.

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A clothes hanger falls on the floor and I am grateful. My husband thinks I am on holiday because my job doesn’t give me money. I am learning something by working for free. What are you learning? I am learning something! I am never on holiday! Some people are on holiday all the time, even when they are not on holiday. In my dream none of the doors would lock. I wanted to use the toilet but I couldn’t find a place that was private.

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I try to make customers feel welcome but sometimes I forget to speak. I asked the customer about his day by polishing the mirror. Two out of three of the changing rooms have mirrors, and two out of the three changing rooms don’t lock. If there’s a gust of wind through the store, a changing room might open. I am going to try on these plates. The customer is wearing blue underpants. He wants to buy this set of plates but two of them are missing. Can you give me a discount? I will have to ask the manager, can you come back tomorrow? I forget what clothes I’m wearing but then I look down and I see them. I am the manager and I won’t be here tomorrow.

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I go to the hospital for tests about my baby. If I am quiet enough I can hear my distance. This is quite the baby. After I couldn’t get a job, I decided that my options were either have a baby or pursue an MFA. How are you going to manage, being so young? Well, I manage a store, I put price tags on clothes and put clothes on hangers, so I think I can manage a baby. The nurse asks me if I have a good support system. Not many friends live on my locus of travel, so I don’t see them very often. I am 23 years old but all of my friends are older than me, ten years older. My sister thinks it’s weird that my friends are much older than me but I don’t think it’s that weird. My sister thinks it’s weird if she’s dating someone more than one year older than her.

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I am on my way to the supermarket. My sister is coming to visit. I am going to buy lots of fruit. I eat fruit at night when I can’t sleep. There’s no room for my sister to stay in the apartment so she will have to sleep in the bath. We will just have to use the toilet in front of her. I am really scared. The supermarket is closed. We lie in bed and I think about my baby growing up to be diagnosed with an autoimmune disease when it is 14 years old. Can we talk about things? My husband kisses me but he’s already asleep.

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I have many bags of clothes to sort through. Many customers donate clothes they don’t want. At the store we use the clothes of theirs we don’t want as rags. I cleaned the grease off a George Foreman grill with a pink child’s t-shirt. I forget when my baby is due. Some days I don’t feel like I’m making any progress. My husband is walking “I had to pee behind the bus stop while I was waiting” to work. There is a trail of bags leading to a prize. I have so much to do. The last time I checked it was Wednesday and today it is Wednesday. I walked past the bus stop. My hearts are beating fast when I think about it, and also my legs are beating and my ovaries.

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I go to the park. I am trying to teach myself something. Dogs shit on the grass and families eat picnics on the grass. I always leave the park long before I need food or a bathroom. I see my husband in the street. I don’t know what to say to him outside the context of the apartment. What are you doing here? I live here. What are you doing? I am going to buy some milk. Later my husband sucks my nipples, for practice.

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My sister stops at the charity store on her way home. I am going to find you the perfect outfit. I asked my sister if she would leave before I needed anything. I dressed the mannequin using strong colour co-ordination. How do you know if something is bad or just not good. “It’s ok to ask for help sometimes.” At home I cook food on the George Foreman grill. The fat collects to make a girl. Who is going to wash the dishes? I made the dinner but he says he made the money. After dinner I bring out an outfit for my husband. I was thinking of the first time we met. My husband doesn’t like my choices. It has been a long time since I paid with what I earned. Why did you think I would want to wear stripes?

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What is your name? I work at a charity store. Some people steal from us, but we rely on donations. A mug costs two dollars and a cup costs a dollar. I tried not to listen to the customer but she was looking straight at me. She put a mug on the counter and when I said two dollars she argued about the difference between a mug and a cup. She was rude to me but I took the dollar. I can feel my baby eating and shitting inside me. The store is not making enough money. I buy a set of ceramic owls to help out.

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The store actually only consists of a set of items that have been moved around the shop for several years, but all the time we tell customers that new stock has just been put out. But where do all the clothes go that people bring in to donate? I’m not sure. Bags of clothes sit in the back storage room and then they are gone. When my husband visits he tries on pants. The changing room door opens and I touch my throat. My husband is good at making decisions quickly and he decides to buy the pants. He asks me for a discount. I ask him to pee on me when he gets home. I don’t give him a discount because I say we can’t afford it.

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What are you thinking about? I ask my husband. I realise I know nothing about his work. You know I don’t think about things, my head is like an empty parking lot, he says. I am wearing clothes from the store to bed, I’m wearing three layers of clothes. I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow. Tomorrow, or in general? Don’t you have to go to the store? I can’t sleep. I feel upset that I have to sleep. There is only one way out of the apartment. I don’t know what happens next door. I keep talking even though my husband sleeps and disappears. He never says goodnight to me anymore. Is it assumed that he wants me to have a good night and so he doesn’t see the need to say it?

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I am hungry, but I’m too hungry to go to the supermarket. If I walk around I will learn something about myself, but I keep learning the same things. The baby is coming. Should we have a party for the baby? The apartment is too small for a party. The apartment is filled with clothes. At the last party I went to I told everyone I had just come back from Europe and that I was in the middle of writing a novel. Everyone was very impressed. I avoided talking about plot by instead talking about my feelings. Well, I was in the middle of something.

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I set the table but there’s nothing for dinner. Instead of dinner we look out the window. I haven’t achieved for the last six months, I say to my husband. Why do you feel like you have to achieve something? I want to sleep and he won’t turn off the television. He finds it exciting to watch television late at night. My husband can’t be bothered walking to the bathroom. My husband pees into a bottle. He laughs. Do you want to drink this? I’m going to punch myself in the face. I don’t think you understood what I told you. I’m going to do an affirmation now. “My thoughts are positive, and I always express myself truthfully and clearly.”

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I haven’t decided whether I am going to have a party for the baby, but there is still time to decide. Later I will take the baby to the store. I walk with my sister to the supermarket. Where is your husband? I don’t know, I haven’t seen him for days. This song is the song he played me when we first met. I didn’t know you could sing. I have begun to practice when I’m in the bathroom. The supermarket isn’t getting any closer. My sister says we have to change directions. The number of times I get dressed every morning is getting smaller.